A Nightingale In A Golden Cage

There's no more color.

The moon was beautiful tonight, but there was no color in it.

Definitely spent a half hour on the second story balcony of Wellman, staring at the moon and imagining what it would be like to just...climb the rail....and walk off.

And then it occurred to me: no one would come after me. Sure, after awhile, my roommates might wonder where the hell I was, but if during one of my low tides I seemed really down even to strangers and random people I barely know and I went up to a balcony, I don't think any of them would suspect that I had the intention to jump off. Or that I was imagining it.

And, yeah, I can call people. But sometimes what I crave the most is just a hug. And the people I can call? They can't hug me. They're all the way in Maine, and La Jolla, and San Diego, and Santa Barbara, and Berkeley, and all other places because of this thing called college and life and moving on and I really don't like this whole 'moving on' thing because it means I have to leave the people I'm closest too behind and I'm expected to just make new friends like that and I can't just do that because that's not how I am I have to know someone for more than just a few classes when they're a peer.

UGH. And I was going to go today. I was going to do exactly what they told me to do. But it didn't work out. Because it just wasn't meant to. And Cassandra will tell me all sorts of things like "Fate isn't real, thus this and this and that" and I half believe her.

I just....I just want a hug. Or someone to sit me down and say, "You look like you need someone to talk to." Or something like that. According to Matt and Cassandra, that did happen. The last bit, that is. Somehow, I can't see how "You seem sad" translates to "You look like you need someone to talk to." But, then again, my first session with Katie proved that I'm wrong about many of my...."ideas."

I just wish that things would go as I planned. I wish I hadn't lied when he said "You seem sad." I wish I would stop lying to myself about this. I wish my brain wouldn't just step in and lie for me so often. I wish someone would grab me by the shoulders and say, "STOP. Let me help." I wish I was more assertive. I wish  there was more time. I wish we were on the quarter system. I wish so many, many things.

But there's no time. No time at all.

And tomorrow's the day Christina has to wear her mask again. For the lovely church people that would love to "help." Yeah, not happening. No way I'm letting them anywhere near my problems. We can all go to church together, but I refuse to open myself up like a museum exhibit for you all to oggle and stare at.

That's unfair. I'm sure they wouldn't be like that. They're nice people. They are. It's just....I don't want them involved in this. Because all they're going to say is that the solution to my problem is to read my Bible and pray more. And to be honest, I just don't find that advice very helpful.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate that effing mask?

All for now. Brain is shutting down.