A Nightingale In A Golden Cage

"It's a shame there's no one to blame/For all the pain that life brings."

It is.

This is not directed to anyone in particular, but it's just my personal view. Don't be offended if you disagree. I tend to be very agreeable when others express their personal opinions. If I disagree with you, I'll likely say, "I see where you're coming from - I really do. I understand how you see that such and such should be this way, however, my belief is a, b, and c."

Now that that's been said, I digress:

College is a time for change. College is a time for finding yourself. College is the place where we go to live our lives for the first time without parental guidance. At least, it is for many of us. Some change is expected from this, obviously, because you can't just go out and live on your own without learning a few new things about yourself that you didn't know previously.

Now, understandably, this might be a bit difficult to understand for those who stay at home for college. Or even for those who don't go to college at all. I don't know the percentage off the top of my head, but there is a chunk of high school graduates who never go to college.

For me, college was/is weird for a couple reasons.

1) The classes are HUGE, which means two things:
   a) You don't get to know your professor.
   b) You hardly talk to anyone, which makes it sooo much harder to meet new people.
2) My old friends aren't around everyday, which makes keeping up the relationships ten times harder. Ok, maybe not ten times harder. Maybe seven. But it's definitely more difficult.
3) It's a completely different atmosphere to adjust to. You automatically get thrust into this environment of adulthood that you never got in high school. In high school, the administration continually bombarded you with the idea that you were still a minor and they literally controlled your fate. And now that that bull is over and done with (and now that we're in control of our own lives for the most part) we're considered adults.

But for those who stay behind, I wonder perhaps if there is something in psychology to suggest why they seem to be stuck in the high school mentality. Once you walk that line, high school is OVER. No more high school drama. Now it's just melodrama and real life crap that happens to everyone else. Think your life totally sucks? Go check fmylife.com - if you can't find a similar situation on there, then yes, maybe your life does suck more than usual. If not, then, hey, it seems like everyone else has been wearing your shoes while you weren't looking. Wow. Tangent. Sorry. My point is that college is a time where people (typically) make most of their bad decisions because they're on their own for the first time. People change in college. It happens. It's the stepping stone to pure adulthood, with bills, and jobs, and all that jazz. College is stereotypically a time where people explore and expand and curse and make poorer decisions than they usually did in high school. College is where the parents and inhibitions disappear for many students. College is where many can let loose and discover who they really are. College is typically a time where people have fun and learn things about the world. Ask any parent and they'll have stories up the wazoo.

I had a goal in mind: get to my own personal diatribe that I spouted off about an hour ago at someone who needed to hear it, in my own oh-so-professional opinion.

Hypothetical situation: Person A is friends with Persons B and C. Persons B and C go their separate ways after graduation, off to college like many people. Person A, however, opts to stay home. Now, when Persons B and C have personal problems, they turn to Person A because they know that, in the past, Person A has always been the kind of person to talk to about such crappy life happenings. However, when Person A attempts to share such crappy life happenings with Persons B and C, B and C do not wish to speak about said crappy life happenings with Person A. Now, normally, I would suggest that Persons B and C were tards, however, that would be jumping the gun. Let us analyze why Persons B and C do not wish to return the favor.

Person B is going through a lot of shit. Person B doesn't like thinking about depressing aspects of life and would rather not think about anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Person B has mentioned before in the friendship that they do not feel comfortable knowing/talking about certain crappy situations that are in Person A's life.

Person C is emotionally immature and unable to deal with certain aspects relating to the more depressing parts of crappy situations. I would guess that Person C is too emotionally young to know what to do in a situation that Person A presents, and thus, feels uncomfortable. Person C has similarly expressed a desire to not discuss certain crappy situations with Person A.

I suspect both Persons B and C have an innate fear of death, as well, which would make both persons feel even more uncomfortable.

Now, part of being someone's friend means that one must accept all aspects of them. This is not a one-sided idea, however. It is required that both individuals accept one another. One might argue that Persons B and C not wishing to discuss crappy life situations with Person A is a failure of this idea. However, Person A's lack of acceptance for the desires of Perons B and C is also a failure of this idea. In such a case, we are left with a circle of pointing fingers. Thus, someone must take a stand and grow a pair, for lack of a better term.

What I mean to say is that while both parties may be in the wrong, someone must make the decision to stand in the morally sound department and raise themselves above such trivialties. Acceptance is the key. I will pretend that I am Person A (which I'm not, but nevertheless...). As Person A, I would brush off the fact that Persons B and C felt uncomfortable. I have many friends with which I may converse about crappy life situations, therefore, the fact that Persons B and C will not converse with me isn't a big deal because there's always someone else I can talk to. See? Problem solved. No need to throw the friendships away over spilled milk.

In fact, Person A (which is no longer me) can consider this a learning experience, assuming that Person A is the one that takes the morally higher ground. Person A has learned that Persons B and C are not the people to go to when Person A needs someone to talk to. This does not mean that Persons B and C are not good friends; they are just....emotionally unstable people that enjoy avoiding such situations that make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. Person A should respect that.

However, Persons B and C should think about growing up in the near future. Life is not just a Monopoly board that we travel in a circles around (actually, it'd be more like travelling in a square, wouldn't it?). We can't control the people around us, but we can control ourselves, and so that is what we must settle for (unfortunately). Sometimes things make us uncomfortable, but that's also part of growing up, and thus we must deal with it like adults. And here, I cannot resist adding, "And you are adults, aren't you?" Don't say otherwise. In this hypothetical situation, Persons A, B, and C are all adults. And frankly, none of them are acting like it. Perhaps it's too much to ask nowadays, for young adults (yes, they're young adults, too) to act their ages. Perhaps when people say that the voting age should be raised to 21, we should raise it. (I personally don't advocate raising the voting age at all, but some do.)

Wow....tangent. Sorry. Here, have a metaphor:

We love the people we love because we love who they are, flaws and all. And, yeah, maybe their flaws include instability or the inability to return certain kinds of affection, but with time and effort - it's not going to happen overnight - they might be able to change. But we can't just expect instant gratification with people. People are a complex computer system that we have to get used to and when the upgrade is finally ready, we can install it.
It takes two to tango, as my mother always said. It's not Person A's fault alone, nor is it the fault of Persons B and C. It's all of their faults. However, Person A hypothetically took the higher ground, and thus disregarded the wrongdoings of Persons B and C, making themselves the better person in this case and forgiving them for something they might not even be aware of. And, honestly, it would be a bit silly for Person A to throw two good friendships away over the fact that their upgrades haven't arrived in the mail quite yet.

That's just my two cents. Disagree, Agree, Complain, Rant, whatever you like.

An update is definitely in order.

First of all, it feels good to be back in my room. It's messy. And I have little to no time at all to clean it, but, hey, it's my room.

It's definitely not cold down here. Let me just say that right now. Davis? Kinda cold. San Diego? Not cold at all. A tad chilly some nights, I'll admit, but not cold. Cold doesn't exist down here, no matter how often I complain about it.

And before I go any further, let me please just say the following: I did not come home to listen to fighting. If I wanted to listen to pointless bickering and childish quarrels, I would watch Jerry Springer. As it is, I hate that show with a fiery passion. See what I'm getting at?

Alright. Now that that's over and done with....

I've been enjoying my time with friends very much. Granted, I'll admit that visiting my high school every day last week was a bit much and I won't be doing that again. BUT, I haven't laughed nearly as much in my life as I have the past three days combined (except for maybe in ENL45, but that was only because I was sitting next to an awesome person, and the professor was frakking hilarious).

Key individuals responsible for making the past three days amazing? I'll name them by their initials, just in case they have issues with being listed by name on the internet: CF, MS, GB, DA, BC, AP. I love these people. I love other people just as much, but other people weren't there for the epicness that has been the past three days. Especially GB, CF, DA, and MS. Those four in particular have been making me forget about any sadness at all. So thanks, guys. I love you all. Really.

Saw Avatar and Princess and the Frog. Avatar was frakking amazing. Words cannot convey it's beauty. Go see it for yo'self, fool. Princess and the Frog was cute. It was a Disney movie, minus the epic Disney music from the classics. Now, that's probably because Randy Newman can't compose worth a damn, but that's my personal bias and I'm stickin' to it. All his stuff just sounds generic and similar to me. And don't get me started on Toy Story and Faust. Just don't. But overall, the story behind Princess and the Frog was cute. I liked the new message Disney has: "Kids: you can wish on stars, but don't expect them heavenly bodies to do all the work for ya. You've gotta sweat if you want to make it in this world." Heh. The stock market itself is evidence enough to prove that they're right. I could go on, but Disney really said it all.

And, yeah, there are great messages in Avatar, too. But, like I said, go see it for yourself. I'm not giving anything away. Oh, except for this: go listen to "I See You" by Leona Lewis. It's pretty much the main theme to the movie. James Horner was in on that. Beautiful song. Go listen. Right now.

And now...I really need to stop, because I'm SUPER behind on X-Mas cards/gift wrapping and I'm in pain right now, so I don't really feel like sitting at my desk much longer.

Hope the fun continues for ya all.

Cheers.

Oh, and apparently it's the holiday season, so Happy Holidays?

Sitting in an airport terminal, watching people.

It reminds me of In A Station Of the Metro by Ezra Pound:

IN A STATION OF THE METRO


The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

There aren't quite that many people here, I imagine.

But it's so much fun to watch them.

I like looking at their clothing. Some people have good fashion sense. Others........need help. Most of the guys have it easy. All they need is a pair of pants and a t-shirt. But even guys can screw up. I saw this one woman wear a black pantsuit that was far too tight in the back and highlighted the fact that she no longer has a rear. It made me sad.

There's something about a guy in a nice winter coat. It's just....a good look for guys. Makes 'em look more.....oh, I don't know...it makes them more well put-together. Yes? No? Eh? Or not.

Anywho.

It's very foggy outside. I'm wondering how we're going to fly at all in this weather. But, hey. Who knows. I'm just along for the ride, basically.

Skinny jeans look back on some people. Especially when those skinny jeans are bleached in the rear. And only the rear. It's bad. Don't wear 'em. Just don't.

I feel like a child sitting here with my computer, watching all the big grown ups as they walk past with their boarding passes. And then I remember that I'm one of them. And it's a srange thought.

The plane should be here soon.

Whiiiiich means I need to take my dramamine. Because if Christina doesn't take her dramamine, then she won't feel well ont he plane ride home. And that's bad. :(  <---see? that means bad.

It's paralyzing, this feeling of utter loneliness and this wave of sadness that just hit me. I cannot explain where it comes from. One moment, it's not there, and I'm fine. And the next moment, I am dead weight and don't have the energy to move from where I am. The word "debilitating" comes to mind.

And then the second wave hits - and my heart aches so fiercely for something I cannot have, something I have no knowledge of.  Or experience with.

I want to be held, I want to feel loved, I want to feel like someone cares. But I don't feel anything save for gravity's hatred.

Things should be different.

I should not be like this.

I should have more courage, more confidence.

Shouldn't I?

I dreamt he sent me a letter. On a piece of yellow paper in blue pen. And in it, he talked about everything that I had wanted to confess.

As I sit hre, staring at the screen and typing at the same time, I can't help but feel a bit surreal. After all, I'm staring through the television and my fingers are moving as if they all have minds on their own.

I remember when I was on the phone at the MU and I saw him out of the corner of my eye and he looked over at me. And I can never tell what he's thinking (not that I should be able to) but at that moment, I felt that there was something to it....just like when he said "you seem sad" and I lied and said "it's just the paper" (or something akin to that) he got this look on his face that made me wonder if he believed me....

But it's likely nothing. I'll never know.

My mother apparently can't wait to see me. I'm almost afraid to go back.....will anything be different? Or will it all be the same? Have things changed since I've been gone - but they'll go back once I return?

I wish I could just move on. Grow up. Fall in love. Be kissed.

AKGJALKSJFAKGJK.

That's possibly the silliest, corniest crap I've ever wanted. It's utter shite. Stupid things to want, really.

Music. I need music.

My inner compass is pulling a Jack Sparrow.
And I have no science with which I can point
it back in the right direction. So I sit, and wonder
what I am supposed to do with a compass
that doesn't point North. Or a tree sword
that will never do its job. And as I sit, the
squirrels run to and fro, up and down. They
hang from trees like the people in the Cirque and
collect like they have OCD. And I think about
Le Balcon and how high up it is and how pretty
Diana is tonight as she stares down at me with
her paleness. No she is no Cullen or Lestat, but
a model of Perfection that I will never compare to.

And while I stare at her I think that maybe some
unreal savior will come to my rescue if I move
closer to Her light. But then I find my feet and
see that I am Katherine Hamnet, and I am
alone.

          And the King's daughter cannot See
that I am up so high, for she is busy with
her own concerns. And this fasting makes
me weary so weary that I start to believe
that what she Sees is only an illusion. So
can't someone Bring Me To Life? I swear
if peace is as as rare as finding a four-leaf
clover...
            Won't you ask me again? Won't
you tell me that you see? I put my hopes
in those who are bound to fiddle while
I contemplate Le Balcon and just how
high I have come. But it's all my fault and
there's no going back no going forward
or sideways or any way. And as often as
you tell me not to I always will because
you're halfway across the planets with
your new companions and I'm over here
and there are no survivor from Gallifrey
that will come to my rescue, for they are
elsewhere, occupied with more important
things such as fiction and blondes and
saving the world from ultimate peril which
means that my fight with Genet's Balcon
must be fought on my own without any
help or guidance and the line between no
and yes has been blurred by Frost's
decision but I am unsure of whether he's
right or not and UGH I should just get
on with it already because no one's coming
and no one cares enough to ask except
one person and I threw that down the sink
like the idiots I hate in chick flicks and now
I'm still alone and it's my own damn fault.

There's no more color.

The moon was beautiful tonight, but there was no color in it.

Definitely spent a half hour on the second story balcony of Wellman, staring at the moon and imagining what it would be like to just...climb the rail....and walk off.

And then it occurred to me: no one would come after me. Sure, after awhile, my roommates might wonder where the hell I was, but if during one of my low tides I seemed really down even to strangers and random people I barely know and I went up to a balcony, I don't think any of them would suspect that I had the intention to jump off. Or that I was imagining it.

And, yeah, I can call people. But sometimes what I crave the most is just a hug. And the people I can call? They can't hug me. They're all the way in Maine, and La Jolla, and San Diego, and Santa Barbara, and Berkeley, and all other places because of this thing called college and life and moving on and I really don't like this whole 'moving on' thing because it means I have to leave the people I'm closest too behind and I'm expected to just make new friends like that and I can't just do that because that's not how I am I have to know someone for more than just a few classes when they're a peer.

UGH. And I was going to go today. I was going to do exactly what they told me to do. But it didn't work out. Because it just wasn't meant to. And Cassandra will tell me all sorts of things like "Fate isn't real, thus this and this and that" and I half believe her.

I just....I just want a hug. Or someone to sit me down and say, "You look like you need someone to talk to." Or something like that. According to Matt and Cassandra, that did happen. The last bit, that is. Somehow, I can't see how "You seem sad" translates to "You look like you need someone to talk to." But, then again, my first session with Katie proved that I'm wrong about many of my...."ideas."

I just wish that things would go as I planned. I wish I hadn't lied when he said "You seem sad." I wish I would stop lying to myself about this. I wish my brain wouldn't just step in and lie for me so often. I wish someone would grab me by the shoulders and say, "STOP. Let me help." I wish I was more assertive. I wish  there was more time. I wish we were on the quarter system. I wish so many, many things.

But there's no time. No time at all.

And tomorrow's the day Christina has to wear her mask again. For the lovely church people that would love to "help." Yeah, not happening. No way I'm letting them anywhere near my problems. We can all go to church together, but I refuse to open myself up like a museum exhibit for you all to oggle and stare at.

That's unfair. I'm sure they wouldn't be like that. They're nice people. They are. It's just....I don't want them involved in this. Because all they're going to say is that the solution to my problem is to read my Bible and pray more. And to be honest, I just don't find that advice very helpful.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate that effing mask?

All for now. Brain is shutting down.