A Nightingale In A Golden Cage

Attempt #3. This one took longer because I was distracted with a very corny movie called Bedtime Stories that my roommates were playing. I should've just stuck my headphones on and blasted some music. That usually helps.

I dreamed last night that I was walking a bridge - you know, one of those rickety wooden rope ones that hangs low over a huge never-ending abyss? Yeah. I dreamed I was walking over one of those and I took a step and the wood fell out from beneath me and I could do was hang there in the middle of the bridge. There was no one around to help pull me back up and I certainly didn't have the strength to get back on the bridge myself.

Anywho. That dream is easily interpreted.

Attempt #3. Probably shittier than the rest. If "shittier" is even a word.

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And nightstand beverages stand still
And twisted sheets grow tighter
And in the air you feel a chill

And yearn to climb familiar hills
But you'll go - you're not a fighter.
And nightstand beverages stand still

Faster and faster - all downhill -
It's dangling over a lighter
And in the air you feel a chill

You'll stay with me if it's His will -
No time for one all-nighter
And nightstand beverages stand still

You hear soft rains outside the sill
You say It's getting brighter
And in the air you feel a chill

You feel it failing now (your Will)
The beating now grows slighter
And nightstand beverages stand still
My Shadow and I still feel the chill.

Here's attempt #2. I wish this came easier. Merlin, seriously? FML. Why does all my stuff have to be so frakking morbid? Geez, I already know my poetry sucks. Why don't you just rub it in? It's not like I don't already feel like shit today. It's harder than it looks to pretend you're happy and cheery and feeling well. Because, really, I'm none of those. I feel like I could vomit at any moment. I'm in one of my low periods.

And I don't have a "Fitz" or a "Leslie" to talk to. The one person I'd consider? Not available to talk to about that sort of stuff. I went to his office hours yesterday and at one point he said, "Talk to me." And I said what I usually say to Fitz when that statement comes up: "What do you want me to say?" And he said, "You seem so sad."

That was my chance. I could've just said it all right there. "Yes, sir. I am sad. Because there are things in my life that I can't deal with. Because the people I put my trust and confidence in are no longer here to help me. Because I have no one to talk to about the crap that happens in my life. Yes, sir, I am very sad."

But, no. What did I do? I let my brain take over, let it lie for me again. And I said, "Well...it's a big paper." Was it a blatant lie? No. Not really. I mean, it is a big paper. It's worth 30% of the grade. But it wasn't the biggest thing that was making me "sad" at that moment. And why did I shield the truth from him? I have a few answers prepared for this question.

1) He teaches english in a college setting. He has tons of students. My problems are the last things he has time for.
2) He probably doesn't want to know.
3) He probably doesn't want to deal.
4) He probably would be weirded out. Like many are.

I can't think of anymore, but I'm sure there are several more out there.

And the number one reason I'm afraid to hand in my poetry? Because I know if he reads it, he'll see what I'm saying and will do one or all of the following:

1) Tell me it's rubbish. Because it probably is.
2) Think I'm just another teen angst writer.
3) Think poorly of me.

I like none of those options. And I'm not just another teen angst writer. Most teen angst writers are going through normal problems that most teenagers go through. I like to consider myself a young adult with abnormal problems. I mean, come on, your average college freshman doesn't have two clinically depressed parents (one with anger management issues and the other with OCD) or a brother who tries to remain detached from life at home. To add to that, I'm clinically depressed myself. Not as bad as my parents, for sure. But I have major swings. I'll be on a high for an amount of time, and then I'll be on a low for an amount of time. I try to control it because if I can't control what happens at home, then I sure as hell try to control myself. But it comes back to that bit of truth that slaps me in the face every time: I can't control it.

Wow. That was a tangent. Anywho. Attempt #2. For the second time. I feel pathetic now. Ew. I don't like this one very much. Hell, I don't like any of them very much. They're too whiny and personal. LGUJKLASJLAKSJdl .()@*%(#

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Even though I've left them behind
I will see my secret friends
And they are ever on my mind

And together they're oh-so-kind
With low tide they make amends
For devoured Fruit in time behind

Evidence of their Hate is lined
Rich with rubies from where they rend
But I cannot push them from my mind

When seasons change, then shall I find
Them waiting. And back I'll send
To repair what I've left behind

The offending limbs they have signed
Glinting, shining as they tend
Their poison spreads throughout my mind

My friends would surely have declined
Requests for our friendship to end
Forbidden to leave them behind
They are - forever - on my Mind

So....Professor Clover made an extra credit assignment: write a serious villanelle and you'll get five points. So I wrote three. And I don't know which one I like.

Also, I realize suddenly just how at ease with yourself you have to be when you're a poet. Imagine: Elizabeth Bishop was a lesbian at a time when homosexuality was not very well accepted and wrote a poem after her lover killed herself. She had to be completely at ease with what she was writing because everyone who read her poetry would eventually know. So, knowing this, I feel even more nervous about turning in one of my poems because I don't like my personal writing being judged. And that's what's going to happen. I'll turn it in and someone will decide if my poem is serious or not. And if they understand what I'm talking about (and they probably will, since they're smarter than I am) then they'll know about a part of me that I don't readily and easily reveal to people.

Maybe I should just keep the three I've already written to myself and write something less......"personal."

But that's not the point. I want your opinions. And I know my work is probably complete and utter rubbish compared to the great poets of time, but, hey, no one said I had to be the next T.S. Eliot, now, did they?

Anywho. Here's the first one I wrote. Now, keep in mind, I usually am more visual and creative with words when I'm depressed. I don't know why, but that's just how I write my poetry. I can only seem to write it when I'm low. Well, actually, I don't know. I feel like I write better when I'm depressed. Poetry, that is. Who knows. Maybe I'll try to write when I'm happier and see what the difference is.

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But this is a low tide.
I cannot feel the way
For there is nowhere to hide.

When you asked, I lied
Prayed my eyes would convey
That this is a low tide.

"Please ask!" my soul cried
But the waves rolled away
And there is nowhere to hide.

And I wanted to confide
"So talk to me," you say
But this is a low tide.

And if asked again, I'd
Confess 'til end of day
That I've nowhere to hide.

Sans Moon, I cannot abide
The burning, scorching ray
For this is a low tide
And there's nowhere to hide.

Ah, blogger. It's been so long since we've talked.

So...I'm in college now. Surprise, surprise.

I actually fell down the stairs on my first day. It hurt, too. A lot. My suitemates are awesome. So are my roomies. One of them is from my church and the other is her friend from school. Suite, eh? Haha that's punny.

Well...let's see. I'm taking Animal Science 1 and my Professor is from New Jersey. He's quite funny and a little absent-minded. He reminds me of Emma's dad, except he has more gray hair.

My math professor is difficult to understand. He's got a very thick asian accent. I think I understand him better than some, but it's still a tad difficult. And he's teaching things in completely different ways than I was taught at PHS. I still think PHS does it mo' betta.

My English professor is like David Tennant + Graber. And he's a little more flamboyant than they are. And he drops the f-bomb at least once every class. First day it was twice. Yesterday it was thrice. His hair is completely white, yet I don't think he's past his mid-40s. He's also hilarious.

And for my freshman seminar class on Dr. Strangelove and finding humor in nuclear war.....well, my professor reminds me of Ms McMillan. 'Cept the Prof's a little taller, maybe. And isn't quite as fashionable. And has hair that's a mixture of Hermione Granger + Rogue (from X-Men). But she's still funny. And I enjoy talking with her.

Yep.

As for myself? Well....I didn't fall down the stairs yesterday, which was a good thing. And now I'm sick, along with half my other suitemates. I essentially don't have much of a voice. Which sucks.

And I also have to leave for my animal science class now. So...yeah. That's all for now, folks. Laters.

Wow. Fitz was right. It's been awhile since I've posted.

Ok. Summer. So....

I went to Denver for three weeks with my brother. Great bonding time. We're definitely a lot closer now. I'm being so serious right now. No sarcasm at all. Seriously. Got to see my aunts and cousins and uncle and grandmother. Good times. Two of my cousins are due soon. One in October. The other either two weeks before or after. Can't remember. Met a new cousin. Daughter of my cousin's girlfriend. 12 years old, I think. More like second cousin, but who's counting? I like her a lot. She's pretty cool.

My cousin has a HUGE Great Dane named Thor. Fitting name, I thought. And his sister has a English Bulldog named Malice. Name hardly fits the dog; he's a sweetie-pie.

One of the weeks in Denver I spent at church convention, which was actually really good for me. I reconnected with my faith and was able to work through some things concerning my parents. I still have a lot of anger towards both of them, however, and that will likely take years to get over. But the first step is moving out and getting on with my own life. Well, I'm not really moving out, but I'm going to college and living in a dorm this year. Maybe next year I'll be ready for the apartment.

Oh, yeah. That's right. I'm going to college. Oops. Forgot. UC Davis. At least ten to twelve hours away. And I'll be alone. Well, I'll have a roommate - two, actually. But I mean....no one to make my food for me....or pay for my gas (not that I'll need any at college this year)....or fix my car....huh....well that's about all my parents do at the moment besides pay for college....and that's only my dad....well, they do buy groceries. But that's easy. I do that on my own when I need stuff. So I guess it won't be so hard this year. What comes next year will be bills. *shudder* Ew. Bills. Gross.

And I have to get a credit card this year for emergencies. Dad said so. I don't like credit cards. I see what my mother and other irresponsible people do with them and I shudder. I don't want one. I like my cash, thankyouverymuch.

Anywho...once upon a time, I was talking about church convention. Oh, yeah. So it was great. Heard a lot of good things, had a personal visit with one of the visiting ministers that's known me since I was born, and bonded with other people. Funnily enough, it doesn't matter what field or state I'm in, I still don't find much in common with the kids my age that aren't related to me. I always tend to find more in common with people that are above a certain age. Well, the fact that I stayed in the kitchen working almost constantly probably didn't help....

Anywho, after the last day, we all went to one of my aunts' houses for pizza. My cousins Hazy and Tyler had come for that Sunday of the convention with their mom. We don't see them very often because they live in Nebraska on a ranch, which is AWESOME. I'd like to go back there some day. Anyways, after that, there were many adventures with the cousins. My brother, and two of our cousins, and I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. My brother went out to Lake Powell for a fishing trip. I went to the Denver Zoo and the Denver Aquarium. There was an indoor trampoline gym that we went to as well. It was tiring.

Then we came back. My brother was sad to leave. He really does dislike being at home so much that he feels more at home with my aunt and her family. That's his escape, I guess. Visiting them, being with them, etc. Oh, I rode bareback at my aunt JoAnn's house up in the mountains. Her house is shaped like golfball. I so want to buy it from her someday. It's awesome and so incredibly beautiful up there. Anyway, I rode her horse Indigo bareback down the hill to get the mail one day and got sunburned, but it was a fun experience. I nearly fell off a couple times - it's harder than I thought to stay on the horse without a saddle!

I didn't have any compulsions or depressed days up there at all. Like I said, it was healthy for me. When I got back, I completely overhauled my room and got rid of a bunch of stuff. Reorganized too. Came to the unfortunate realization that I have too many clothes. That, or I need more space to store stuff. Come to think of it, I do need a new shelf. And I could get rid of that stuffed animal thing near my second desk....

I'm sitting on Jessie's couch next to her brother. She's sitting at the computer. We're watching Spiderman. And her brother is getting on my nerves. I swear this kid is like ADD or something. He won't shut up and he thinks his comments are intelligent. Sorry Cassandra, Jessie. My patience is thin at the moment. I must be PMSing.

"Who am I? You sure you wanna know?" No, Tobey Macguire, I don't wanna know. I don't like this movie. It's a so-so on my list. I saw Julie and Julia last night. It was cute. Meryl Streep was amazing. Saw The Time Traveller's Wife today. That made me cry a the end. Anywho, kinda want to see G.I. Joe just for Chris Eccleston. Speaking of the Doctor, saw David Tennant at the Doctor Who panel at Comic-con. And can I say, "FRAKKING AWESOME."

Yes. Frak. I have delved into the world that is Battlestar Galactica. And it's also frakking awesome. Haven't finished the first season yet, as I've spent a couple weeks catching up on Angel. Didn't like the ending of the fifth season.

Now I'm bored. And tired. Think I'll zone out and just read fanfiction. And get some icons. yeah.

Laters.

It's over. I can't believe it.

I thought I was going to cry. I would have bet money that I was going to cry. And, surprisingly, I didn't.

The ceremony was wonderful. The Die Lieders sang beautifully, Jake's solo was a song I sang in 5th grade (which made it even cooler), and Chanell's solo was amazing. I teared up during "For Good" but didn't cry.

I sat there in my chair the whole time, hoping that my calculations were correct, that each teacher would hand out diplomas to four rows and then switch. That way, one of my most favorite teachers would give me mine. I could have been shaking for all the excitement I had. And when my row stood up, I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Believe me, I tried. I wanted to look serious, but I just couldn't stop smiling. And then, when I was just two people away, I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling too much. And then Brian went up the two steps and took his diploma. And I waited for Mr. Maxie to call my name. When he did, I couldn't stop from smiling anymore. I took those last two steps and I was so very happy to take my empty diploma thingy from Dr. Fitz. I wonder what happens to those pictures they take while you're getting your diploma....

Getting my diploma from one of my favorite teachers absolutely made my day. Not that my day wasn't already made by the whole graduation thing, but it just made it even more amazing.

After the ceremony, I hurried over to the Poway Rock to meet up with family and grab my diploma (which I was first in line for). Bethany tackled me once I got there, picked me up, and swung me around and around. It was fun. After I got my diploma, I gave big hugs to Emma and Jessica and Jessie and Bethany and pretty much anyone I knew who I found. My dad finally came down, followed shortly thereafter by my mother and Vejaya, who had never been to an American graduation ceremony before. It was an honor for her to come to mine and have it be her first. I took my phone and my camera from my dad, gave him a hug, and had him start to take pictures. My mom came down, gave me a lei (spelling?) with legit flowers and a bouquet. More pictures were taken - especially by Kami, who'd brought her awesome expensive Canon DSLR. I'm still waiting for those, fyi.....*hint hint Kami*

Anywho, then after many pictures had been taken, I bid adieu to my parents and Vejaya just in case I didn't find them again that night, and went off in search of more friends and teachers to take pictures with. We found Stacy Moon and Abbey Howe and many other people and then finally ran into my favorite Golden Trio: Fitz, Graber, and Lewis (alphabetical order, ftw). I got pictures with all of them and even when I wasn't posing with someone, Kami kept snapping pics. I made some pretty weird faces. I tried to get a pic with Lewis, Fitz, and Graber at the same time, but in most of them, they were all looking off in a different direction or were talking to someone else.

And then Emma found me again and took me off to her family, who had another bouquet for me. They all gave me hugs and we decided to go back to the cars to drop everything off. But not before I gave one final hug to my two favorite teachers EVER: Lewis and Fitz. After that we trekked back to the Faculty Parking Lot where both Emma and I were parked - oh yeah, I had to get my keys from Fitz because they were in his pocket. Anywho, Emma's mom took my flowers home, we dumped our flower leis in the back of my car, along with our caps and gowns, and grabbed our clothes to change in the bathroom. On the way there, we met Lewis, who was heading home for the night, then changed, came back, made some last minute calls, and went to Grad Nite 2009.

Needless to say, Grad Nite was so AWESOME that I can't even begin to describe just how AWESOME it was. There was DDR, Guitar Hero, a chocolate fountain, a lemonade fountain, a candy bar (a bar for candy), coffee, a DJ, tattoos, a hypnotist, a pool table, an ice sculture in the shape of a guitar that they poured energy drinks into, fortune tellers, handwriting analyzers, hair stylists, a rock wall, a giant slide, carnival rides, a money machine, a dress-up photography booth, jewelry-making booths, carnival games, raffles, free food, a casino, paparazzi, cool prizes - it was SOOO COOL.

I put a lot of my raffle tickets in this raffle for Birch Aquarium tickets. The nerd in me screamed when I won them along with a gas card. I also won this random action figure that I don't remember signing up for....but it came with a cool Victorinox Swiss U. backpack. I got some stickers for my bro and a cool hand-painted box that I think I'll take with me to college. Jake got the bike he wanted, Evelyn got the dorm comforter that she wanted, Bethany won posters, JT won a bike, Emily won a giant bear, and Linzi won something that I can't recall.

Anyway, after partying for eight straight hours, I was surprisingly awake enough to drop Emma off at her house and drive home. And of course when I got home and unlocked the front door, I found that it was chain-locked. So I had to ring the doorbell and wake my mom up so that she could let me in. >_<>

Sooo it's like, a new year in a manner of speaking. New school year, that is. I'm a senior. And so many of my friends are leaving for college. I thought that I'd be more effected, but part of me knows that I'll see the closest ones again. Someday. Merlin knows when. I bet you I'll be very effected next year, when Ems and I are off to big ol' Washington (the state) for college and everyone else is staying down here. It'll suck, kinda, to have to say goodbye. Oh well; that's what facebook and the internet and email and instant messaging are all for.

This summer hasn't been that great. I've had a bout of depression like every other week and because of it, I've been advised to drop one of my three AP classes. How pathetic is that? There are kids taking all APs and I have to drop one of my three. I think that's rather pathetic. But maybe I'm just being critical of myself.

Anyways, I can't think of anything else to say of importance. Soo...cheers, for now.