A Nightingale In A Golden Cage

As I sit here in the den with my cousins, Hazy and Tyler, watching the Bourne Identity, I think about all the fun I've already had out here.

When we arrived, it was pouring rain and we had squished a toad beneath the tires of the truck. We hurriedly carried everything into the house and then came back out for the rest of the groceries. The rain was so heavy and hard on the way to Nebraska that we could hardly see the road. I was so thankful I wasn't the one that had to drive.

We all went to bed rather quickly after that. It was late (11 something at night) and we had an early start. Everything in my bag was soaked because of the rain (and hail), so I had to stick some of it in the dryer downstairs before calling it a nigh. I was too exhausted (mostly from being ill most of Sunday) to take a shower or do anything else.

The next morning, I found myself awake at 5:30 a.m. and so I read for a bit and then made myself presentable for breakfast. At breakfast, two of the hired guys came in for food as we were there. Then, Hazy and I got ready and we went out to move cattle and fix fences in the rushes. Moving the cattle wasn't that difficult. We really only stood there and watched a single dog move more than 400 head of cattle by itself. Not gonna lie, it was pretty darn extraordinary to watch.

After that, we went to put up electric fences in the rushes. I got bit by mosquitoes about a dozen or so times, I think. And we learned that Christina is very allergic to mosquito bites. My arms are swollen and my wrist is weak and in pain. I don't really get it and I can't quite find anything on the internet about my symptoms, so I suppose maybe it's just me.

After the fences were finished, we checked on some of the windmills and watering tanks. In an empty one (the windmill was broken), I found a turtle. I named him Johan and put him in the garden. My new laptop battery came in the mail and it works great (thanks Gary, for helping me with that) so I don't have to worry about my computer anymore.

Today, I stayed indoors mostly, filing and doing some averages for my aunt and uncle. After I was done with that (it took FOREVER to finish) I pulled some weeds in the garden with my auntie and then my wrist really started bothering me. I went and played with puppy Sue for a bit (he really wanted some love).

After a bit, Hazy came down with a lead rope and I asked her what she was doing. She was getting ready to saddle up and head out to a nearby field where several yearlings were chilling. She let me go with her. So we both saddled up and went out there. Once we reached the herd, we looked for heifer 9152, who had bad hoof rot. So Hazy and I separated the injured heifer from the herd and, with our horses, herded her back to the barn. Once there, we got her into the squeeze shoot and gave her micotil, which can apparently kill humans in 15 minutes if they're injected with it (not a comforting piece of information when you're the one holding the needle). Once finished, we let her out. BUT, it was starting to storm, so we didn't have time to get her back to the herd, but we'll probably do that early tomorrow morning.

My wrist is wrapped at the moment, so it's a bit hard to type, but I'm so very happy to be out here. It's absolutely beautiful (there are actually stars!) and several dogs and kitties to play with. I don't have too many pictures yet, as I worry about breaking my camera if I take it out to work with me, but I suppose I will get more eventually.

Hope everyone else is having a good summer (with less deer flies and mosquitoes than are out here)!!

It's been a long time. And so much has happened in such a short period.

First of all, I'm on Prozac now, so I'm not depressed too often anymore. Which also means  no more bad days.

But....Chelsea's gone.

And I don't know how to deal with that still.

February 25, 2010. That's when she disappeared. And that's when she died. I can't believe she's gone. Just last year, I was her TA. I was grading her APUSH quizzes and smiling quietly at her quirky temperament. If I only knew then what I knew now....

Sailing at half mast today, despite the medication.

I've felt the depression, the low tide, tugging at the corners of my being for about a day now. I'm wondering how long the medication will be able to triumph over what seems inevitable. After a few weeks of utter bliss and a complete lack of low tides, I've wondered how long it would take for my body to adjust to the SSRI medication, adapt, and overcome it.

Last night, I could feel it tugging at me and I wanted to do something with someone so that I could take my mind off of things, but no one wanted to do anything. So, my mind was permitted to wander as I killed things online with my pet spider.

I want to do something, but again no one wants to do anything. At 2pm, Lauren and I will deliver Candy Grams, so that should take my mind off of things.

It has been strange, living without depression hanging over my shoulder constantly like a ghoul as it haunts its victims. I seem to have more time on my hands - not much, but still a little more than usual - and I'm definitely happier more often. However, I've begun to feel the presence of that ghoul once more, as I mentioned.

I told Lauren and Jenn about the medication. They were skeptical about my need for it. I laughed. See? This is how good I am at hiding things from people. It's sad, really. I slowly tell Jenn a little more every time we have a conversation about it, but I still don't feel comfortable enough to tell her everything. She doesn't seem comfortable with the knowledge of my personal problems, nor able to adequately deal with it like some of my other friends. No, it's not that she can't deal. She doesn't quite know how to react, I'm assuming. Which is fine. Not everyone knows how to deal with these kinds of nearly-taboo issues. Coming from a small town where all she's known is her happy family of few problems, she probably cannot understand how someone can be so unhappy in their home.

My choice of music probably isn't helping at all. I have my "low tide" playlist on shuffle.

I'm always so paranoid that people look at my arms when they're not covered. Constantly, everywhere I go, I try to cover the most noticeable scars with a hand or a sleeve or a book, or sit in a way that prevents anyone from noticing.

Anyway. I'll just go back to my Star Trek marathon, now....

So....break was lovely. It was just the recess I needed from the rushed atmosphere of the college life.

And how did I spend Christmas Eve/Day? Huddle over my computer in my room, collecting album art, playing with Facebook apps, and attempting to improve my win percentage on Minesweeper. I started at 30% and got to 32% at one point after a huge win streak. Then I lost one game and it went back down to 31% and it's been stuck there ever since. -_-   <--- Seriously, MLIA, right?

Anywho, so aside from the unfortunate, unplanned, and mostly unexpected drama that occurred this break, I would call it, in a word, "perfect." I hung out with people that I'm super close to and had some great adventures (one including tantalizing ankle skin and depth of field, apparently - oh, and a trip to Guitar Center in San Marcos, as well).

I've discovered a love for vinyl and record players, all thanks to one particular evening with a group of amazing individuals. And so, when Angie and I went a-hunting for treasures in various thrift shops, I snatched up a book of Bing Crosby vinyl, Jimmie Noon and his clarinetists, something else I can't remember, and a book of jazz/blues including some classics from the Glenn Miller orchestra and Irving Berling, etc, etc. Needless to say, those purchases had me on a high for the rest of the day - and they still do. My mother, stunned by the fact that I was so happy, told me that when I get an apartment next year, she would buy me a record player and hand over all her records, which is even more exciting because those include the coveted Michael Jackson "Thriller" album, along with some Abba, Rolling Stones, Beatles, and many more, including a recording of a Disney Christmas Carol on vinyl that we used to play every holiday season when I was a little girl. Needless to say, I'm overjoyed.

The bad part about break? The unnecessary and, as aforementioned, unfortunate, unplanned, and mostly unexpected drama. Oh, and almost having to go to the ER. Why, you wonder? (Yeah, right. Like anyone reads this XD) Because I've been having breathing problems at random intervals. My chest just gets tight and it becomes difficult - and a few times painful - to breathe. My mother insisted that I go to the ER if it continued, but thankfully it went away.

I spent New Years' Eve with some amazing people that I love. We rang in the new year by playing Apples to Apples and Trivial Pursuit, minus the Pursuit part. So, essentially, just the trivia. Aren't we the weirdest bunch of nerds ever? Anywho, I've decided that I'd like to spend one New Year in each of the following cities before I die: Paris, France (just to see the sparkly Eiffel Tower); Moscow, Russia; London (to see fireworks and the Eye); New York City (though not from the ground. can't imagine being stuck around so many people. ugh.); and several others that I don't feel like typing out. I love seeing new places.

That said, I hate travelling. Checking in and going through security? The biggest hassels in the history of life. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you can't deny that it's a hassel to fly. Unless you're one of those people who has somehow mastered the art of stuffing all your belongings into a tiny carry-on bag, which allows you to breeze through the check-in process and bypass long lines. I envy those people. Another reason I hate travelling? Motion sickness. And you're up so high in the air. Ew. I looked out the window and saw snow-covered mountains as we were coming into the Sacramento region and I just about balked at how high up we were. Christina + heights = possible panic attack. Thankfully, that didn't happen....I had Cobra Starship, Natasha Beddingfield, Lady GaGa, and other various artists to distract my traitorous imagination...

And now I'm staying with friends from church for the evening since the residence halls don't open til tomorrow. Needless to say, I feel torn between two places that I've grown to love. It's like I have two homes in two different worlds and I want so badly to squish them together and somehow reconcile my love for both of them, but unfortunately, that's not how it works. Oh well.

Oh hey....Greek pizza for dinner! First new experience of the new year! :)

Oh, and did I mention that today is a palindrome? 01/02/2010 :)  Doesn't that just make you smile?

Cheers, all.