A Nightingale In A Golden Cage

As I sit here in the den with my cousins, Hazy and Tyler, watching the Bourne Identity, I think about all the fun I've already had out here.

When we arrived, it was pouring rain and we had squished a toad beneath the tires of the truck. We hurriedly carried everything into the house and then came back out for the rest of the groceries. The rain was so heavy and hard on the way to Nebraska that we could hardly see the road. I was so thankful I wasn't the one that had to drive.

We all went to bed rather quickly after that. It was late (11 something at night) and we had an early start. Everything in my bag was soaked because of the rain (and hail), so I had to stick some of it in the dryer downstairs before calling it a nigh. I was too exhausted (mostly from being ill most of Sunday) to take a shower or do anything else.

The next morning, I found myself awake at 5:30 a.m. and so I read for a bit and then made myself presentable for breakfast. At breakfast, two of the hired guys came in for food as we were there. Then, Hazy and I got ready and we went out to move cattle and fix fences in the rushes. Moving the cattle wasn't that difficult. We really only stood there and watched a single dog move more than 400 head of cattle by itself. Not gonna lie, it was pretty darn extraordinary to watch.

After that, we went to put up electric fences in the rushes. I got bit by mosquitoes about a dozen or so times, I think. And we learned that Christina is very allergic to mosquito bites. My arms are swollen and my wrist is weak and in pain. I don't really get it and I can't quite find anything on the internet about my symptoms, so I suppose maybe it's just me.

After the fences were finished, we checked on some of the windmills and watering tanks. In an empty one (the windmill was broken), I found a turtle. I named him Johan and put him in the garden. My new laptop battery came in the mail and it works great (thanks Gary, for helping me with that) so I don't have to worry about my computer anymore.

Today, I stayed indoors mostly, filing and doing some averages for my aunt and uncle. After I was done with that (it took FOREVER to finish) I pulled some weeds in the garden with my auntie and then my wrist really started bothering me. I went and played with puppy Sue for a bit (he really wanted some love).

After a bit, Hazy came down with a lead rope and I asked her what she was doing. She was getting ready to saddle up and head out to a nearby field where several yearlings were chilling. She let me go with her. So we both saddled up and went out there. Once we reached the herd, we looked for heifer 9152, who had bad hoof rot. So Hazy and I separated the injured heifer from the herd and, with our horses, herded her back to the barn. Once there, we got her into the squeeze shoot and gave her micotil, which can apparently kill humans in 15 minutes if they're injected with it (not a comforting piece of information when you're the one holding the needle). Once finished, we let her out. BUT, it was starting to storm, so we didn't have time to get her back to the herd, but we'll probably do that early tomorrow morning.

My wrist is wrapped at the moment, so it's a bit hard to type, but I'm so very happy to be out here. It's absolutely beautiful (there are actually stars!) and several dogs and kitties to play with. I don't have too many pictures yet, as I worry about breaking my camera if I take it out to work with me, but I suppose I will get more eventually.

Hope everyone else is having a good summer (with less deer flies and mosquitoes than are out here)!!

It's been a long time. And so much has happened in such a short period.

First of all, I'm on Prozac now, so I'm not depressed too often anymore. Which also means  no more bad days.

But....Chelsea's gone.

And I don't know how to deal with that still.

February 25, 2010. That's when she disappeared. And that's when she died. I can't believe she's gone. Just last year, I was her TA. I was grading her APUSH quizzes and smiling quietly at her quirky temperament. If I only knew then what I knew now....

Sailing at half mast today, despite the medication.

I've felt the depression, the low tide, tugging at the corners of my being for about a day now. I'm wondering how long the medication will be able to triumph over what seems inevitable. After a few weeks of utter bliss and a complete lack of low tides, I've wondered how long it would take for my body to adjust to the SSRI medication, adapt, and overcome it.

Last night, I could feel it tugging at me and I wanted to do something with someone so that I could take my mind off of things, but no one wanted to do anything. So, my mind was permitted to wander as I killed things online with my pet spider.

I want to do something, but again no one wants to do anything. At 2pm, Lauren and I will deliver Candy Grams, so that should take my mind off of things.

It has been strange, living without depression hanging over my shoulder constantly like a ghoul as it haunts its victims. I seem to have more time on my hands - not much, but still a little more than usual - and I'm definitely happier more often. However, I've begun to feel the presence of that ghoul once more, as I mentioned.

I told Lauren and Jenn about the medication. They were skeptical about my need for it. I laughed. See? This is how good I am at hiding things from people. It's sad, really. I slowly tell Jenn a little more every time we have a conversation about it, but I still don't feel comfortable enough to tell her everything. She doesn't seem comfortable with the knowledge of my personal problems, nor able to adequately deal with it like some of my other friends. No, it's not that she can't deal. She doesn't quite know how to react, I'm assuming. Which is fine. Not everyone knows how to deal with these kinds of nearly-taboo issues. Coming from a small town where all she's known is her happy family of few problems, she probably cannot understand how someone can be so unhappy in their home.

My choice of music probably isn't helping at all. I have my "low tide" playlist on shuffle.

I'm always so paranoid that people look at my arms when they're not covered. Constantly, everywhere I go, I try to cover the most noticeable scars with a hand or a sleeve or a book, or sit in a way that prevents anyone from noticing.

Anyway. I'll just go back to my Star Trek marathon, now....

So....break was lovely. It was just the recess I needed from the rushed atmosphere of the college life.

And how did I spend Christmas Eve/Day? Huddle over my computer in my room, collecting album art, playing with Facebook apps, and attempting to improve my win percentage on Minesweeper. I started at 30% and got to 32% at one point after a huge win streak. Then I lost one game and it went back down to 31% and it's been stuck there ever since. -_-   <--- Seriously, MLIA, right?

Anywho, so aside from the unfortunate, unplanned, and mostly unexpected drama that occurred this break, I would call it, in a word, "perfect." I hung out with people that I'm super close to and had some great adventures (one including tantalizing ankle skin and depth of field, apparently - oh, and a trip to Guitar Center in San Marcos, as well).

I've discovered a love for vinyl and record players, all thanks to one particular evening with a group of amazing individuals. And so, when Angie and I went a-hunting for treasures in various thrift shops, I snatched up a book of Bing Crosby vinyl, Jimmie Noon and his clarinetists, something else I can't remember, and a book of jazz/blues including some classics from the Glenn Miller orchestra and Irving Berling, etc, etc. Needless to say, those purchases had me on a high for the rest of the day - and they still do. My mother, stunned by the fact that I was so happy, told me that when I get an apartment next year, she would buy me a record player and hand over all her records, which is even more exciting because those include the coveted Michael Jackson "Thriller" album, along with some Abba, Rolling Stones, Beatles, and many more, including a recording of a Disney Christmas Carol on vinyl that we used to play every holiday season when I was a little girl. Needless to say, I'm overjoyed.

The bad part about break? The unnecessary and, as aforementioned, unfortunate, unplanned, and mostly unexpected drama. Oh, and almost having to go to the ER. Why, you wonder? (Yeah, right. Like anyone reads this XD) Because I've been having breathing problems at random intervals. My chest just gets tight and it becomes difficult - and a few times painful - to breathe. My mother insisted that I go to the ER if it continued, but thankfully it went away.

I spent New Years' Eve with some amazing people that I love. We rang in the new year by playing Apples to Apples and Trivial Pursuit, minus the Pursuit part. So, essentially, just the trivia. Aren't we the weirdest bunch of nerds ever? Anywho, I've decided that I'd like to spend one New Year in each of the following cities before I die: Paris, France (just to see the sparkly Eiffel Tower); Moscow, Russia; London (to see fireworks and the Eye); New York City (though not from the ground. can't imagine being stuck around so many people. ugh.); and several others that I don't feel like typing out. I love seeing new places.

That said, I hate travelling. Checking in and going through security? The biggest hassels in the history of life. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you can't deny that it's a hassel to fly. Unless you're one of those people who has somehow mastered the art of stuffing all your belongings into a tiny carry-on bag, which allows you to breeze through the check-in process and bypass long lines. I envy those people. Another reason I hate travelling? Motion sickness. And you're up so high in the air. Ew. I looked out the window and saw snow-covered mountains as we were coming into the Sacramento region and I just about balked at how high up we were. Christina + heights = possible panic attack. Thankfully, that didn't happen....I had Cobra Starship, Natasha Beddingfield, Lady GaGa, and other various artists to distract my traitorous imagination...

And now I'm staying with friends from church for the evening since the residence halls don't open til tomorrow. Needless to say, I feel torn between two places that I've grown to love. It's like I have two homes in two different worlds and I want so badly to squish them together and somehow reconcile my love for both of them, but unfortunately, that's not how it works. Oh well.

Oh hey....Greek pizza for dinner! First new experience of the new year! :)

Oh, and did I mention that today is a palindrome? 01/02/2010 :)  Doesn't that just make you smile?

Cheers, all.

"It's a shame there's no one to blame/For all the pain that life brings."

It is.

This is not directed to anyone in particular, but it's just my personal view. Don't be offended if you disagree. I tend to be very agreeable when others express their personal opinions. If I disagree with you, I'll likely say, "I see where you're coming from - I really do. I understand how you see that such and such should be this way, however, my belief is a, b, and c."

Now that that's been said, I digress:

College is a time for change. College is a time for finding yourself. College is the place where we go to live our lives for the first time without parental guidance. At least, it is for many of us. Some change is expected from this, obviously, because you can't just go out and live on your own without learning a few new things about yourself that you didn't know previously.

Now, understandably, this might be a bit difficult to understand for those who stay at home for college. Or even for those who don't go to college at all. I don't know the percentage off the top of my head, but there is a chunk of high school graduates who never go to college.

For me, college was/is weird for a couple reasons.

1) The classes are HUGE, which means two things:
   a) You don't get to know your professor.
   b) You hardly talk to anyone, which makes it sooo much harder to meet new people.
2) My old friends aren't around everyday, which makes keeping up the relationships ten times harder. Ok, maybe not ten times harder. Maybe seven. But it's definitely more difficult.
3) It's a completely different atmosphere to adjust to. You automatically get thrust into this environment of adulthood that you never got in high school. In high school, the administration continually bombarded you with the idea that you were still a minor and they literally controlled your fate. And now that that bull is over and done with (and now that we're in control of our own lives for the most part) we're considered adults.

But for those who stay behind, I wonder perhaps if there is something in psychology to suggest why they seem to be stuck in the high school mentality. Once you walk that line, high school is OVER. No more high school drama. Now it's just melodrama and real life crap that happens to everyone else. Think your life totally sucks? Go check fmylife.com - if you can't find a similar situation on there, then yes, maybe your life does suck more than usual. If not, then, hey, it seems like everyone else has been wearing your shoes while you weren't looking. Wow. Tangent. Sorry. My point is that college is a time where people (typically) make most of their bad decisions because they're on their own for the first time. People change in college. It happens. It's the stepping stone to pure adulthood, with bills, and jobs, and all that jazz. College is stereotypically a time where people explore and expand and curse and make poorer decisions than they usually did in high school. College is where the parents and inhibitions disappear for many students. College is where many can let loose and discover who they really are. College is typically a time where people have fun and learn things about the world. Ask any parent and they'll have stories up the wazoo.

I had a goal in mind: get to my own personal diatribe that I spouted off about an hour ago at someone who needed to hear it, in my own oh-so-professional opinion.

Hypothetical situation: Person A is friends with Persons B and C. Persons B and C go their separate ways after graduation, off to college like many people. Person A, however, opts to stay home. Now, when Persons B and C have personal problems, they turn to Person A because they know that, in the past, Person A has always been the kind of person to talk to about such crappy life happenings. However, when Person A attempts to share such crappy life happenings with Persons B and C, B and C do not wish to speak about said crappy life happenings with Person A. Now, normally, I would suggest that Persons B and C were tards, however, that would be jumping the gun. Let us analyze why Persons B and C do not wish to return the favor.

Person B is going through a lot of shit. Person B doesn't like thinking about depressing aspects of life and would rather not think about anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Person B has mentioned before in the friendship that they do not feel comfortable knowing/talking about certain crappy situations that are in Person A's life.

Person C is emotionally immature and unable to deal with certain aspects relating to the more depressing parts of crappy situations. I would guess that Person C is too emotionally young to know what to do in a situation that Person A presents, and thus, feels uncomfortable. Person C has similarly expressed a desire to not discuss certain crappy situations with Person A.

I suspect both Persons B and C have an innate fear of death, as well, which would make both persons feel even more uncomfortable.

Now, part of being someone's friend means that one must accept all aspects of them. This is not a one-sided idea, however. It is required that both individuals accept one another. One might argue that Persons B and C not wishing to discuss crappy life situations with Person A is a failure of this idea. However, Person A's lack of acceptance for the desires of Perons B and C is also a failure of this idea. In such a case, we are left with a circle of pointing fingers. Thus, someone must take a stand and grow a pair, for lack of a better term.

What I mean to say is that while both parties may be in the wrong, someone must make the decision to stand in the morally sound department and raise themselves above such trivialties. Acceptance is the key. I will pretend that I am Person A (which I'm not, but nevertheless...). As Person A, I would brush off the fact that Persons B and C felt uncomfortable. I have many friends with which I may converse about crappy life situations, therefore, the fact that Persons B and C will not converse with me isn't a big deal because there's always someone else I can talk to. See? Problem solved. No need to throw the friendships away over spilled milk.

In fact, Person A (which is no longer me) can consider this a learning experience, assuming that Person A is the one that takes the morally higher ground. Person A has learned that Persons B and C are not the people to go to when Person A needs someone to talk to. This does not mean that Persons B and C are not good friends; they are just....emotionally unstable people that enjoy avoiding such situations that make them feel awkward or uncomfortable. Person A should respect that.

However, Persons B and C should think about growing up in the near future. Life is not just a Monopoly board that we travel in a circles around (actually, it'd be more like travelling in a square, wouldn't it?). We can't control the people around us, but we can control ourselves, and so that is what we must settle for (unfortunately). Sometimes things make us uncomfortable, but that's also part of growing up, and thus we must deal with it like adults. And here, I cannot resist adding, "And you are adults, aren't you?" Don't say otherwise. In this hypothetical situation, Persons A, B, and C are all adults. And frankly, none of them are acting like it. Perhaps it's too much to ask nowadays, for young adults (yes, they're young adults, too) to act their ages. Perhaps when people say that the voting age should be raised to 21, we should raise it. (I personally don't advocate raising the voting age at all, but some do.)

Wow....tangent. Sorry. Here, have a metaphor:

We love the people we love because we love who they are, flaws and all. And, yeah, maybe their flaws include instability or the inability to return certain kinds of affection, but with time and effort - it's not going to happen overnight - they might be able to change. But we can't just expect instant gratification with people. People are a complex computer system that we have to get used to and when the upgrade is finally ready, we can install it.
It takes two to tango, as my mother always said. It's not Person A's fault alone, nor is it the fault of Persons B and C. It's all of their faults. However, Person A hypothetically took the higher ground, and thus disregarded the wrongdoings of Persons B and C, making themselves the better person in this case and forgiving them for something they might not even be aware of. And, honestly, it would be a bit silly for Person A to throw two good friendships away over the fact that their upgrades haven't arrived in the mail quite yet.

That's just my two cents. Disagree, Agree, Complain, Rant, whatever you like.

An update is definitely in order.

First of all, it feels good to be back in my room. It's messy. And I have little to no time at all to clean it, but, hey, it's my room.

It's definitely not cold down here. Let me just say that right now. Davis? Kinda cold. San Diego? Not cold at all. A tad chilly some nights, I'll admit, but not cold. Cold doesn't exist down here, no matter how often I complain about it.

And before I go any further, let me please just say the following: I did not come home to listen to fighting. If I wanted to listen to pointless bickering and childish quarrels, I would watch Jerry Springer. As it is, I hate that show with a fiery passion. See what I'm getting at?

Alright. Now that that's over and done with....

I've been enjoying my time with friends very much. Granted, I'll admit that visiting my high school every day last week was a bit much and I won't be doing that again. BUT, I haven't laughed nearly as much in my life as I have the past three days combined (except for maybe in ENL45, but that was only because I was sitting next to an awesome person, and the professor was frakking hilarious).

Key individuals responsible for making the past three days amazing? I'll name them by their initials, just in case they have issues with being listed by name on the internet: CF, MS, GB, DA, BC, AP. I love these people. I love other people just as much, but other people weren't there for the epicness that has been the past three days. Especially GB, CF, DA, and MS. Those four in particular have been making me forget about any sadness at all. So thanks, guys. I love you all. Really.

Saw Avatar and Princess and the Frog. Avatar was frakking amazing. Words cannot convey it's beauty. Go see it for yo'self, fool. Princess and the Frog was cute. It was a Disney movie, minus the epic Disney music from the classics. Now, that's probably because Randy Newman can't compose worth a damn, but that's my personal bias and I'm stickin' to it. All his stuff just sounds generic and similar to me. And don't get me started on Toy Story and Faust. Just don't. But overall, the story behind Princess and the Frog was cute. I liked the new message Disney has: "Kids: you can wish on stars, but don't expect them heavenly bodies to do all the work for ya. You've gotta sweat if you want to make it in this world." Heh. The stock market itself is evidence enough to prove that they're right. I could go on, but Disney really said it all.

And, yeah, there are great messages in Avatar, too. But, like I said, go see it for yourself. I'm not giving anything away. Oh, except for this: go listen to "I See You" by Leona Lewis. It's pretty much the main theme to the movie. James Horner was in on that. Beautiful song. Go listen. Right now.

And now...I really need to stop, because I'm SUPER behind on X-Mas cards/gift wrapping and I'm in pain right now, so I don't really feel like sitting at my desk much longer.

Hope the fun continues for ya all.

Cheers.

Oh, and apparently it's the holiday season, so Happy Holidays?

Sitting in an airport terminal, watching people.

It reminds me of In A Station Of the Metro by Ezra Pound:

IN A STATION OF THE METRO


The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

There aren't quite that many people here, I imagine.

But it's so much fun to watch them.

I like looking at their clothing. Some people have good fashion sense. Others........need help. Most of the guys have it easy. All they need is a pair of pants and a t-shirt. But even guys can screw up. I saw this one woman wear a black pantsuit that was far too tight in the back and highlighted the fact that she no longer has a rear. It made me sad.

There's something about a guy in a nice winter coat. It's just....a good look for guys. Makes 'em look more.....oh, I don't know...it makes them more well put-together. Yes? No? Eh? Or not.

Anywho.

It's very foggy outside. I'm wondering how we're going to fly at all in this weather. But, hey. Who knows. I'm just along for the ride, basically.

Skinny jeans look back on some people. Especially when those skinny jeans are bleached in the rear. And only the rear. It's bad. Don't wear 'em. Just don't.

I feel like a child sitting here with my computer, watching all the big grown ups as they walk past with their boarding passes. And then I remember that I'm one of them. And it's a srange thought.

The plane should be here soon.

Whiiiiich means I need to take my dramamine. Because if Christina doesn't take her dramamine, then she won't feel well ont he plane ride home. And that's bad. :(  <---see? that means bad.